Hey Ladun,
I am currently schooling in the UK and recently, I was no longer a teenager. I comment on your blog anytime I am not really busy. I need some advice. The past few weeks have been very rough on me. I have tried to put stuff behind me but your recent post on the virginity debate just opened my wounds.
A couple of weeks ago, I was invited to a beach party with a couple of my friends but I was the only one who ended up going to it, which meant that I was going to be alone at the party. I didn’t mind because my course mates were going to be there as well. I was my usual self and ended up getting drunk at the party. Normally, I drink when I am out with my friends because I know at the end of the day I would get home safely. But this time around, it was different. One of my so called “friends” took advantage of me and I lost my virginity to him that night… on the beach. I know you would say it is my fault because why was I drinking and blah. And I would agree with you because I should not have been drinking. Click to continue.
It is just that I had worked so hard to keep my virginity, you have no idea. I think I have said no to sex more times than to anything else in my life. It is not that I don’t get horny or I don’t like sex. It is just that I wanted to wait for that one special person to have sex with because I would do anything for a man I will love and marry, and keeping my virginity was going to be one of the things I would do for him.
Not having sex all this time was an epic battle and the fact that I lost it in the end pains me so much. When I think about all I went through to not lose it, I have to laugh.
I once had to climb out a window of a bar because I wanted to run away from a guy. We were absolutely attracted to each other and I knew that if I didn’t leave at the time I did, we would have ended up having sex that night. I also stopped shaving my vajajay so that I would not have sex with any guy. But that didn’t last long because I like looking well groomed down there. I also remember once when a friend got me to his place after lectures to get “notes” and I had to say no to him even though I was absolutely attracted to him. The problem was that we were already half naked before I got back to my senses. I have had guy friends come into my life and then leave because I don’t “put out”. And then I also have those who kept begging me on a daily basis. I had to break up with four of my boyfriends because of… guess what… sex! I try to avoid guys because it seems like there is only one thing on their mind when it comes to me.
The way I even lost my virginity pains me even more. I could think of better scenarios than that. I have to also see this bastard every day and pretend like nothing happened so that I don’t raise suspicion among my friends. I am even paranoid because I know how guys talk to each other and I am hoping no one else finds out.
I really don’t know where to go from here. I am distracted from school work. I want this pain to go away so much but I don’t know what to do. I am not suicidal (lol) but I just feel like my life is such a waste right now. I am so depressed. I have started smoking weed and doing other sorts of dangerous behaviour in the past few weeks to escape my reality but I have not had sex again, yet.
This weekend is really crucial for me because it will be the first time I am going out again after the incident. My main goal for the weekend is to get really fucked up because I feel so hopeless right now.
Please, ANY ADVICE?
P.S. I did not keep my virginity for religious purposes. I just did it because that’s what I have always wanted.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
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